Chicago Bulls fans can rest easy tonight knowning there is no proof of Derrick Rose SAT sheningans. 

Several likely suspects were tested, however, none scored quite low enough to provide evidence of tampering.

Lebron James responded to Saturday’s loss with the class and grace of a true English gentlemen.  Naturally this meant ignoring passe  rituals like handshakes and bouncing back to his moms. People need to understand, vitamin water and press conferences just don’t mix!  James is simply a progressive man in a modern age.

“Okay Zydrunas, here’s the gameplan, go stand over there under the hoop.. You know hoop?”

“Think so… I try get hookshot?”

“What?! Hell no, pass that shit to Lebron”

“Coach! We’re down but I think we can still win! I’d like to take the last shot, can you set up a play?”

“Sasha, I’m gonna level with you… I’m not really an X’s and O’s kind of guy. Just pass that shit to Lebron”

“I don’t give a damn if you scored West, what do you think you’re doing upstaging me in front of the other players? I set a play!”

“What play? You just said to pass it to Lebron”

“I’m sorry am I talking to the coach of the year?! That’s what I thought. Now get your ass on the bench West!”

“Shit’s easy…”

Move over Chauncey Billups! There’s a new candidate for the sportsmanship award this year!

“Come on guys, don’t look at me like that! I just fell down some stairs!”

“Oh, he just gets pumped up during the game, you know. When its just us he’s totally different. Are the cameras still rolling?”

Darius Miles was busted this week for ignoring details like turn signals.

Miles, was confused on who placed the weed in his passenger compartment, and why it was there instead of a non-suspended license. Authorities were just as perplexed as Miles, and 100 dollars later, he was a free man! Miles still counts against the Portland Trailblazers cap, and has declared Greg Oden a bust.

Pictured Below: The Miles Mobile

The New Orleans Hornets have put an end to rumors they’ll make the second round next season. After a record 58 point loss on their home floor, only one thing was certain, an extension to Coach Byron Scott.

“The man is a coaching wizard! If it wasn’t for Scott it would have easily been 70 or 80 points” said Scott’s wife.

“When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong”

“I got this guys. Yao? Pssh! Ain’t no thang. I keep it real”

*Pre-Game*

“Hey Ming, you ain’t gonna meditate outta the first round son”

“………………”

*Later*

“!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hey you know I was just playing right”

“No hard feeli-”

“This doesn’t look good.  Get the bust out there”

There comes a time in every company’s life where decisions have to be made. Xtreme decisions. So ‘Xtreme’ that the company folds hilariously days later. Today we take a look at one company’s rise to the top! Their journey from CBS to PBS, and how to properly build a company around some guy you saw on Youtube.

October 2008. EliteXC is slowly gaining viewership. But they’re hurting, Shamwow commercials prove to be stiff competition and it looks like reaching the coveted 1.0 rating will never happen. For months, EliteXC had relied on a steady stream of viewers who had forgotten to turn off their TV when their program came on. Then suddenly like all great things that never last, cable boxes start to come out with a feature to auto-shut off. Alas, ratings are slashed in half. The company panics and an emergency board meeting is called.

Discussions are held to decide whose at fault. Executive hands tremble as they attempt to deflect the blame to the cable companies. Amidst the chaos the answer comes. Kimbo Slice. “Well he kind of looked like Mr. T”, recalls David Marshall, former Chairmen of EliteXC. Marshall had spent the last year in isolation watching videos on the internet, this was a man who knew what was up. Mainly losing millions of dollars annually. Slice,was ready for the big time, for prime time.

It was on. EliteXC would obtain legendary UFC fighter Ken Shamrock to take on Kimbo. Shamrock, more famously known for having his ‘sister’ sleep with pro-wrestling superstar Val Venis, would do his best to promote the fight. He just wasn’t serious about actually fighting. “I was just playing guys”, recalls Shamrock. In a desperate last ditch move to save the event, EliteXC would choose former Ultimate Fighter trainee and rejected UFC fighter Seth Petruzelli to do the honors. EliteXC would bank on Kimbo easily finishing a youngster like Seth and continuing his legend.

Naturally, Seth would go on to easily beat Kimbo in fourteen seconds by TKO. CBS dropped the show, Kimbo went back to Youtube, and the company would close a week later. In a final address to EliteXC fans, former Chairmen David Marshall had this to say, “But, would I do it all over again? Yes… I wouldn’t change a thing”