“TMAC, Sorry I forgot your name tag.. And your minutes.”
Tough break for TMAC, as the Spurs didn’t even bother placing a name tag on his locker. Even Matt ‘Red Mamba’ Bonner got a name tag on his locker, but not poor ole’ Tracy. It’s been a rough couple of years for McGrady, being forced to play overseas in China, seeing his team miss the playoffs in the Chinese Basketball League, having to pretend he enjoys coming in the game only when the Spurs are up by 40 (Just in case!!! Can never be too careful!). But this time the Spurs have gone too far!
Sure, Coach Popovich said he might be able to find him some minutes. By this he meant he wouldn’t find him minutes. But the team couldn’t even allow Tmac the dignity of having a name tag, a one time NBA superstar and hall of famer, reduced to sitting on the sidelines hoping to get Darko style minutes. Without even a tag to his name! Ginobili is over there clipping his nails while Coach Pop talks, and he got a name tag.
The question is will an opportunity arise for Tracy to finally play in an NBA Finals? To feud with his contemporaries one last time? To show LeBron and Wade, his offensive repertoire? To show them what’s it like to play basketball with men not boys like when he entered the league. Or is a name tagless lockerroom, and front row seats all that lie ahead for our once proud and humble hero? Will he retire if the Spurs win a ring in his honor? Better question with a lack of a name tag, will the Spurs withhold a ring from TMAC. Will Coach Pop and crew suddenly forget to send him an invite to the ceremony. “Oh I uh_forgot. It slipped my mind. I might be able to find you someone else’s ring though”. Aging truly is a cruel, cruel mistress. But not matter what age, give the man his name tag.
Pictured Above: Rihanna, replying to a dear Instagram chum with class and elegance.
Rihanna and J.R Smith will be ready to elope any day now!
The birds are chirping, threes are flying, because love is in the air!
Picture their kids, they’ll surely have their father’s red eyes. But will they be able to chuck it like daddy did?
Regardless, no matter how many times Rihanna tells them to get into the paint or go to school, they’ll look back at her with the confused gaze that involves any Knicks non-ISO play. But it’s okay because Rihanna finally found love, and it was in a hopeless place all along, the Madison Square Garden locker room.
The first question that comes to mind is how does she compare to Carmelo’s lovely gal? Does J.R also wake up to the scent of Honey Nut Cheerios, or is it more of a Captain Crunch like affair? Only Chris Brown and Drake know for sure.
What will be the repercussions for J.R Smith’s endless partying and clubbing during the playoffs, will the hammer come down, will he be resigned for less money, receive a a minor role on the New York Knicks, or will it be business as usual for the former Nugget?
Fortunately, with the Knicks you don’t have to think about these questions too long, because their management doesn’t either. Expect a 5 year contract, with more money than JR ever dreamed, and a fraction of that number going to his future field goal percentage. Because, the only bad shot, is the one you don’t take!
J.R, is one of the last remaining good old NBA2K style chuckers before the great ‘humble’ rapture took hold of the league. Whether action took place between Rihanna and our anti-humble hero JR Smith or not. One thing is for certain, she’ll be back.
There they were. Stallions riding into the sunset that is the NBA finals. Moments away from receiving the privilege of being eliminated by the Miami Heats. The American dream. Shattered, taken away floating into a wind of failure with only the musky silhouette of Kenbrick Perkins rising up to show for it.
Amnesty?
No. Why amnesty today when you can trade a top 6 franchise player tomorrow? My friends these are the times that define the haves and the havenots. The Apples from the Lenovos. The Kardashian to your washed up obese hog of a highschool sweetheart. And when the dust settled the magnificent beard was gone and only Kevin Martin lay on your doorstep. Imagine thousands of years ago, opening your door expecting the baby Jesus and finding Kevin Martin as you uncovered your newly born. And a Jeremy Lamb freebie. The horror, my friends. The unspeakable horror!
You wish for Dynasty? But draw mere laughs. You wish to let the beard reign wild and free. And contendership was possible because of the big three. But now the dust has settled and days gone by when OKC could get that championship pie. They wanted Ibaka, they wanted Perks, no luxury taxes and the whole works.
Forever gone the days of old, forever trading top 6 players for fools gold. But he can score off the bench just like Harden they said! As fans looked on with dread. The day will come when the San Antonio crew makes a run. And the only trade worse than the Harden trade will be: none.
1. Carmelo Anthony-NYK310 2. LeBron James-MIA 298 3. Tony Parker-SAS 281 4. Paul George-IND 277 5. David West-IND 249 6. Kevin Durant-OKC 246 7. Tim Duncan-SAS 238 8. Roy Hibbert-IND 235 9. Stephen Curry-GSW 235 10. Mike Conley-MEM 216
Carmelo Anthony, still beating Lebron James in FGA Attempts!
It’s almost time for Game 2 of the NBA Finals, but that won’t stop Carmelo Anthony from being the Postseason shotjacking champ! Our reigning hero decided he was gonna be the field goal attempts leader, and now a round or two after the New York Knicks were eliminated, he remains the king!
Here’s a man, who backs up his talk. He puts his head down and bullies his way into the three point line. He brought the Knicks back into that coveted 2nd round spot bitterly lost by the Atlanta Hawks. He’s taken the team on his shoulders, and shown that dreams do come true. Unless it deals with a man’s Honey Nut Cheerios, than back away from the bowl! One wonders with 310 field goal attempts this NBA playoffs, what kind of sophisticated offensive scheme did Knicks Coach Mike Woodson run? It looks almost European in design with all the cutting, passing and lack of ISO play.
Even more amazing than this Carmelo Anthony playoff stat, is that chucking contemporary and teammate J.R Smith did not make this list! Looks like there’s alot of work to be done this offseason, if J.R can’t even beat out a center like Hibbert in shot attempts. On the Knicks, a center would never even see the ball in the first place! Especially if it involved pesky things like rebounding.
Where does Carmelo Anthony go from here? Will he up his shots to bring the Knicks to an ECF playoff birth next year, pass more, or simply let ole’ Mike Woodson get the axe? Decisions, decisions! Looks like a tough offseason is ahead of the New York Knicks!
Mike D’Antoni describes the Los Angles Lakers playoffs chances in this classic Jim Mora inspired parody.
Playoffs? Playoffs? D’Antoni’s just trying to win a game!
So many questions remain, will Pau be traded? Will Pau come off the bench? Will Nash come back? Were Lakers actually better off with Derek Fisher? Will defense be played? Will David Stern ban Hack-A-Howard? Will Phil Jackson get twenty million to come back?
Was Slava Medevenko actually the whole key to Lakers playoff basketball? Will the Los Angeles Lakers ever get another win that doesn’t involve playing NBA2K13?
All these questions and much more will be answered on the next edition of Los Angles Lakers basketball! Remember pass it to Kobe and if you do accidentally travel, just make sure it’s not to the other side of the court. Phew, that was a close one!
This will be the first season in which the Lakers playoffs chances remain at the same odds as the Golden State Warriors and the Charlotte Bobcats. Simply, Dwight Howard has proven to be a force to be reckoned with, a free throw machine. Would say a poor man’s Tyson Chandler, but then Tyson can actually make a free throw.
You might have heard that Steve Nash a career 90+ free throw shooter offered to help Dwight with his free throws, which was promptly rejected by Howard. After all, Dwight doesn’t need all these external voices telling him how to do things. He knows exactly what he’s doing! That’s why he opted in his contract and now on the team he wanted to be on all along: the Brooklyn Nets.
Kobe Bryant thinks he’s about to talk things over with Los Angeles Lakers Coach Mike Brown. But Mike’s not home.. Or is he? Find out in this parody of the classic Seinfeld scene.
Kobe Bryant & Mike Brown, the Best of Friends:
Things are heating up in Laker land, and it’s not because Lebron’s coming into town. Losses bring tension. Mike Brown brings losses. Therefore, Mike Brown brings tension. Kobe Bryant, recently held a look of devotion to the head coach of the Lakers. A true look of joy! Let’s take a look at the moment captured in-game:
As you can see, Bryant is merely trying to let ole’ Mike Brown know he respects and loves the way he’s running this Lakers team! He hopes he stays for many days ahead! Sure, the Lakers are down 7 points in this screenshot, but what you don’t know, is that is actually the exact position they want to be.
Coach Brown doesn’t what the league to know what the Lakers are capable of, better to take oh say 40 losses in a row early on. That way the league won’t know what hit them! Bryant’s enthusiasm was shining through in the moment above. Mike Brown can rest easy tonight knowing his job security remains safe and sound.
Besides who can run things better than Coach Mike Brown? There’s a few coaching candidates out there, but no one as substantial with the finals loss experience Brown already has! Brown is a players coach, he’s humble, whatever that means these days, and he’s got a nifty set of glasses.
It’s all you need, besides Brown is just dealing with the hand he was dealt, the Lakers need to rumble out a trade or two to get more talent. But for now Mike Brown won’t be taking any phone calls without screening them first on his answering machine, just in case ole’ Jerry Buss comes a callin’.
Mike D’Antoni will bring everything he knows to the Los Angeles Lakers. A tried and true system of three point shots and non-related failure. Dantoni’s defensive system should be a smooth transition for the Lakeshow considering Pau Gasol hasn’t traveled to the other side of the court since 2010.
On offense, D’Antoni will have a player he’s familiar with, ole’ Steve Nash running things sans Phoenix medical staff. So expect Blake to be handling point duties for the rest of the season. Which is just fine, considering a point guards’ normal duties on the Lakers are to stand off to the side, pass the ball to Kobe, and occasionally chuck a three.
Gary Payton was an elite point guard once, but he simply couldn’t understand the triangle. The triangle being any play that doesn’t involve passing it to Kobe. A rotten egg that Payton!
2) Jerry Sloan
Jerry Sloan preaches tough love, defense, and hard work. In other words, the exact opposite of what this team stands for! Defense is just icky. Having to ‘body up’ some sweaty behemoth of a player is freaking gross. Plus he might force Pau to actually post up and stop taking shots from 40,000 feet away. Best to keep things the way they were.
Forget Sloan, that kind of ‘work ethic’ style thinking is dangerous. It’s old news. Sloan’s probably at his house right now, sitting in his old Utah Jazz pajamas and watching reruns of the 1998 NBA Finals. Picture him shutting off the TV right before Jordan crosses Russell every time. Is that what you want? What if all that hard work doesn’t come through?
Mike Brown promotes a much more relaxing atmosphere. Stick to what works.
3) Phil Jackson
The perfect choice. A man that knows how to handle egos, superstars, has a system the Lakers are acquainted with and aren’t about to surrender at this point of their careers. Phil Jackson has 11 rings as a Head Coach.
The Zen Master is the greatest coach of all time, he didn’t get his rings in no ‘weak era’. Jackson, could take this team to spectacular heights. It has all the right ingredients: superstars. They just need some seasoning, veteran leadership, and defense.
Phil is also dating the bosses daughter and wants ten million dollars a season… Phil will not be hired.
4) Shaquille O’neal
Shaquille O’Neal is a big fan of Dwight Howard. He certainly doesn’t think that Andrew Bynum is better than him, no, no, no. Where did you hear such malarkey? He loves the idea that Dwight uses the Superman moniker and followed in his footsteps to come from the Magic to the Lakers. If you’ve listened to Shaq on Inside the NBA, you’re already well aware his wit easily rivals that of Shakespeare or Ben Jonson. He can bring this Lakers team together!
Shaq by the way, didn’t scream at Jerry Buss to pay him in public. He was gently asking for a raise and overheard. That settles it, hire him Mitch!
5) Coachbe
Triangle, Mike Brown, offensive systems, defensive systems. All slang for the real plan: Pass it To Kobe. And scream at Pau every once in a while. Even when he’s doing well, actually especially when’s doing well.
Don’t want him getting fancy notions about who’s master and commander. Kobe “Coachbe” Bryant has what it takes and only a single game plan. ISO. Beautiful in its simplicity like an Apple product.
Kobe doesn’t dance around the question of what to do, whether it means chucking from beyond the arc or chucking while double teamed or even triple teamed. He’ll even throw in yelling at Pau for free. Stop the charade, appoint Coachbe officially Mitch!
Till next time, I’m Nir Regev! BSPN’s head writer, standup comedian, and actor! See more of my comedy at Broscience, Youtube, and my old gigs at Rant Sports, and Heckler Spray!
