Top 10 NBA Boardgames

July 2, 2012   ·   2 Comments   ·   By


1) Atlanta Hawks Monopoly

No matter what you roll you never move or advance. It’s Atlanta Hawks Monopoly!
Hold on to the same properties, don’t trade with other players, draw a card out of the treasure chest to decide current owner and GM. It’s like holding ownership of Baltic Avenue forever!

*Pieces never subject to change. 2005-2012 Editions identical*

 

2) Minnesota Othello

Find out if you can flip all the black pieces into white ones! In Minnesota Othello, it’s your job to make sure you get rid of those pesky black pieces by any means possible. So change that frown upside down, or better yet turn it into Rubio.

*Playoffs or Wins unnecessary to achieve victory!*

 

3) Heat Twister

Right foot red, pivot foot green? Or was it pivot foot red, left foot green? Why it doesn’t matter! In Heat Twister, no matter what foot you use, you never lose! Switch pivot feet at will, look at ref, obtain championship. It’s Heat Twister, the game that’s pleased South Beach for generations!

*Streamlined rules for traveling. May take 40 steps. But not 41.. Okay 41*

 

4) Sorry! For Basketball Reasons

Bump, slide and switch trades in this classic David Stern approved game of sweet revenge! Best of all, you make the rules! Move your pawns, suspiciously give first pick, sell the team, accuse ESPN announcer of beating his wife when questioned about it. The fun is all here! It’s Sorry! For Basketball Reasons.

*Instruction Booklet under permanent revision*

 

5) Clippers Guess Who? Flopped

Was it Uncle Paul? Or Cousin Blake? Perhaps it was Coach Del Negro on the bench? It’s Clippers Guess Who? Flopped! The ultimate game of mystery.

*Correct Answer: All of the above at same time*

 

6) Bobcats Clue

Not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven.. Eight. Eight wins. It’s the suspense thriller known as Bobcats Clue! Which player is responsible for having a -300 on court rating and leading the team into a dark treacherous abyss? It is up to YOU, to find them. So they can be made Team Captain of course!

*All proceeds go to Nike Air Jordan Shoe Super Fun-Time Camp- “Factories”*

 

7) Mike Brown Pictionary

Get your pencils ready! Scribble down complex looking offensive schemes that pretty much consist of walk down court, pass to Kobe. Or!! Pass to Gasol, who then passes it to Bynum, who passes it to Kobe. It’s Mike Brown Pictionary!

*Actual Offensive Scheme not included*

 

8) Blazers Operation

Grab the patented Blazer tweezers and keep your hand steady. Wait, what’s that what do you hear? The sound of success of course! A childhood favorite, it’s your job to keep injured players out, collect the insurance money, then waive said player. It’s Blazers Operation, where players enter the operating table and stay there!

*Couch token and broken dreams included*

 

9) Billy King’s Risk

Will you get rid of precious lottery picks or just trade for Gerald Wallace? It’s Billy King’s Risk, where anything goes! Except wins, playoffs or future revenue that is. Join Mr. King on his ride to greatness as he fills the ranks with former reality stars and Avery Johnson.

*Russian sugar daddy and Jay-Z bailouts might apply*

10) Magic Jenga

Remove pieces in futile attempt to keep the organization from toppling over. It’s Magic Jenga! The only game where no matter what you do, it leaves your home on its own! Ah, the sweet, sweet taste of victory!

*Hedo not included. Hedo’s contract included*

 

Written by Nir Regev

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Why “RealGMers” Should Never Actually Be GMs

February 8, 2009   ·   2 Comments   ·   By


Why “RealGMers” Should Never Actually Be GMs

RealGMers
This is how I picture a meeting with typical RealGMers in charge. Notice the lack of females at the table? That’s no accident. Pssh, the RealGMer doesn’t need that!!! There’s more important issues to be discussed. Like Kobe’s efficiency from halfcourt or what kind of dump KG took last week. Inevitably, upon several weeks here you’ll come to understand the truths RealGMers hold dear:

1)Age:
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The age of the NBA player is supremely important!! Any player who’s played more than a year in the league should be traded for draft picks. You don’t need those pesky veterans on your team! They might bring in wins, and ruin chances at the lottery. RealGMers love when their team most resembles high school varsity. They also despise the age limit. The correct number is right out of the vagina! RealGMers would then predictably trade the baby a month later. Probably for the draft rights to an infant yet to be born and cash.

2) Underrated
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Role players are underrated. Superstars are overrated. Don’t forget this cardinal rule, even when your team misses the playoffs. RealGMers love finding a diamond in the rough… Because then they can trade him for higher draft picks later. The key to knowing when a player is no longer underrated is when he’s about to get a larger contract. Then that greedy bastard better get out! RealGMers secretly aspire to be Donald Sterling.

OneAnswer’s Holiday Wishlist

January 14, 2008   ·   2 Comments   ·   By


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It’s that time of the year again. You’re working over time, boss on your back and kids whining back home. And the girlfriend/wife/mistress has demands of her own! It never ends.. But before you give up on watching the NBA this holiday season, have no fear! You’re going to be able to see the Rockets play the Cavaliers for the 4,897th time on ESPN after all!!!

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That’s right no worries! For the first time ever, 2007’s best presents will be showcased. I’ve done the searching, so you don’t have to. These boardgames are the cream of the crop, and they’re fun for the whole family! Remember, the NBA Cares… And so does OneAnswer.

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Everybody loves Kandy Land! The game of busts is finally here. They say the journey to underachievement starts in childhood.. You don’t want to stunt your kid’s growth do you? Don’t delay! Your child will learn vital lessons including: scoring on a contract year, signing a contract 10 million dollars short, firing your agent and much, much more! Winner is the first one to inevitably gain 400 pounds and be unable to ‘jump’ for rebounds.

*No skill or previous experience necessary!

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Zydrunas Ilgauskas hasen’t slept in over twelve years… Will the man ever get any sleep? Will the black shadows under his eyes finally disappear? You decide! That’s right Zydrunas is giving you the opportunity to decide his fate! Will you allow him to get some rest? Or will you fall asleep yourself watching the Cavs? Only one way to find out!

*Dr. Gooden Warning: Mysterious Hairpatch might result from use of this product

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Grant needs to make the playoffs!! But can you fix him in time? Fun for boys and girls. It’s the newly updated 2007 edition of Operation! Will you rush away to give the Pistons that last ounce of playoff revenue?! Or will you conceal important documents and send him off to the Magic? No matter what you choose… Don’t forget to draft Darko!

*Grant Hill included… Some Assembly Required.

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You’ve been given free reign of the Knicks. Next stop the world… It’s the game of Risk! With your right hand man Lieutenant Marbury at the helm, you’re capable of everything and anything. It is your duty to laugh in the face of sexual harassment, sign Jerome James and generally waste as much money as possible. Everything you touch must reach foreclosure in order to win. The CBA, the Knicks, David Lee…

*All white board pieces removed

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There’s been a murder! The victim: a bike, was found laying dissembled in the exercise room by the Spurs old playbook and Shawn Bradley. Only the playbook could be reached for comment. The exercise bike had previously been seen in a dispute over the MVP trophy with Mr. Nowitzki, who was said to have appeared furious to onlookers. After a slight scuffle (ending with the bike winning), Mr. Nowitzki ran off and no charges were filed. But what truly took place that night? Who dissembled the exercise bike? Find out in the new game of Clue!

*1st round loss not included

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That’s it for now! Stay tuned later this week, for my thorough overview of Monopoly. Till next time, I’m OneAnswer!

How to Draft a Bust: Foreign Guy Method

January 14, 2008   ·   No Comments   ·   By


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“How To Draft A Bust”

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The Foreign Guy Method:

This method has been passed down from one generation to the next. Take the Euro guy… Or the Chinese guy. It doesn’t really matter, as long as nobody knows anything about them. Not even you! The lesser the better. In fact strive to find a player coming from the most obscure of leagues. A league so remote, they might not even have cameras yet! But if they do, they should provide nice healthy footage like this:

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I retrieved that one straight out of Joe Dumar’s personal stash! Remember, fans love the unknown. Always do the unexpected. Superstar college ball player leading his team to the final 4?? I don’t think so! You need to draft that one guy Tskzievillizicrapllliiia. For reference sakes, if you can pronounce it, he probably isn’t foreign enough. Don’t make the wrong choice!

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The best part about drafting the foreign guy is well, they’ll work for anything. It doesn’t matter what the team, they’ll stay loyal. Even if you’re in Canada! But there is one exception… Milwaukee. Yes, Milwaukee isn’t quite a favorite among foreigners.. Or anyone for that matter. But fear not aspiring Bucks GMs! There’s hope yet!

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The Larry Harris Method:

If somehow you’ve ended up in Milwaukee and unable to escape this method should be applied. Is there a player that doesn’t wanna come to your team? Draft him anyway. In fact laugh while doing it. If you can’t leave Milwaukee nobody else can either.

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‘The Refusal’

One problem you might run into is lack of cooperation. Every once in a while, some player will think he can out think you. He won’t put his signature down on the dotted line and make demands. Fortunately, this is a minor issue for the Larry Harris method! Here take a look at how Larry himself gets the contracts signed:

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‘Watch the Bucks’

Larry’s own patented method is as scary as they come. Simply take the resisting player to a closed room and force them to watch a Bucks game. After five, maximum of ten minutes (though no one has ever come close), the boredom will become so large the player will sign anything! Just make it stop!

How to Draft a Bust: Jazz Method

January 14, 2008   ·   1 Comment   ·   By


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“How To Draft A Bust”

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“Forget that guy Larry! My dude is like totally European and sh*t”

Step 1: Locating Talent
When drafting a bust, scouting is vital. You don’t want just any kind of bust! Nooo sirr. He needs to meet very specific criteria. To all you aspiring GMs out there, I say worry no more! I’m letting the secrets loose! This handy guide will help you on your journey…

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The Utah Jazz Method:
Draft the white guy. A tried and true method perfected by the Jazz. Here’s a leaked Utah memo I’ve managed to covertly uncover!

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If you answered something else than ‘C’, well, you failed! That’s just not the Jazz way. Here, take a look at the rich line of busts Utah’s produced.

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Notice anything? If you don’t, you probably don’t belong on the Jazz. However, even if you did, don’t think ole’ Larry H. Miller is going to come calling just yet! There is a central part to using the Utah Jazz method that is key. This is what separates the men from the boys, my friends. It’s…

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‘The Distraction’

If you’re not careful using the Utah Jazz Method, people might start asking questions. You want to put a stop to this right away! Simply go against the basic drafting principle of the Jazz method every few years, and no one will be the wiser! Just remember, any time a person starts up trouble, point away and say ‘but what about that guy’. It’s flawless.

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*Alternative Zeke Method*

Simply take all the rules from the Jazz method, and reverse them! Here is a pie chart for all you visual learners,

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That’s it for now! Stay tuned as we continue down all methods later this week and finish up Step 1 of ‘How to Draft A Bust’! This is going to be a long guide… But nobody said drafting a bust was easy! Till next time, I’m OneAnswer!

Walker and Friends: Episode 1

July 7, 2007   ·   62 Comments   ·   By