lakers-dantoni

1) Mike D’Antoni

Mike D’Antoni will bring everything he knows to the Los Angeles Lakers. A tried and true system of three point shots and non-related failure. Dantoni’s defensive system should be a smooth transition for the Lakeshow considering Pau Gasol hasn’t traveled to the other side of the court since 2010.

On offense, D’Antoni will have a player he’s familiar with, ole’ Steve Nash running things sans Phoenix medical staff. So expect Blake to be handling point duties for the rest of the season. Which is just fine, considering a point guards’ normal duties on the Lakers are to stand off to the side, pass the ball to Kobe, and occasionally chuck a three.

Gary Payton was an elite point guard once, but he simply couldn’t understand the triangle. The triangle being any play that doesn’t involve passing it to Kobe. A rotten egg that Payton!

 

lakers-sloan

2) Jerry Sloan

Jerry Sloan preaches tough love, defense, and hard work. In other words, the exact opposite of what this team stands for! Defense is just icky. Having to ‘body up’ some sweaty behemoth of a player is freaking gross. Plus he might force Pau to actually post up and stop taking shots from 40,000 feet away. Best to keep things the way they were.

Forget Sloan, that kind of ‘work ethic’ style thinking is dangerous. It’s old news. Sloan’s probably at his house right now, sitting in his old Utah Jazz pajamas and watching reruns of the 1998 NBA Finals. Picture him shutting off the TV right before Jordan crosses Russell every time. Is that what you want? What if all that hard work doesn’t come through?

Mike Brown promotes a much more relaxing atmosphere. Stick to what works.

 

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3) Phil Jackson

The perfect choice. A man that knows how to handle egos, superstars, has a system the Lakers are acquainted with and aren’t about to surrender at this point of their careers.  Phil Jackson has 11 rings as a Head Coach.

The Zen Master is the greatest coach of all time, he didn’t get his rings in no ‘weak era’. Jackson, could take this team to spectacular heights. It has all the right ingredients: superstars. They just need some seasoning, veteran leadership, and defense.

Phil is also dating the bosses daughter and wants ten million dollars a season… Phil will not be hired.

 

lakers-shaq

4) Shaquille O’neal

Shaquille O’Neal is a big fan of Dwight Howard. He certainly doesn’t think that Andrew Bynum is better than him, no, no, no. Where did you hear such malarkey? He loves the idea that Dwight uses the Superman moniker and followed in his footsteps to come from the Magic to the Lakers. If you’ve listened to Shaq on Inside the NBA, you’re already well aware his wit easily rivals that of Shakespeare or Ben Jonson. He can bring this Lakers team together!

Shaq by the way,  didn’t scream at Jerry Buss to pay him in public. He was gently asking for a raise and overheard.  That settles it, hire him Mitch!

lakers-coachbe

5) Coachbe

Triangle, Mike Brown, offensive systems, defensive systems. All slang for the real plan: Pass it To Kobe. And scream at Pau every once in a while. Even when he’s doing well, actually especially when’s doing well.

Don’t want him getting fancy notions about who’s master and commander. Kobe “Coachbe” Bryant has what it takes and only a single game plan. ISO. Beautiful in its simplicity like an Apple product.

Kobe doesn’t dance around the question of what to do, whether it means chucking from beyond the arc or chucking while double teamed or even triple teamed.  He’ll even throw in yelling at Pau for free. Stop the charade, appoint Coachbe officially Mitch!

 

Till next time, I’m Nir Regev! BSPN’s head writer, standup comedian, and actor! See more of my comedy at Broscience, Youtube, and my old gigs at Rant Sports, and Heckler Spray!


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