“TMAC, Sorry I forgot your name tag.. And your minutes.”
Tough break for TMAC, as the Spurs didn’t even bother placing a name tag on his locker. Even Matt ‘Red Mamba’ Bonner got a name tag on his locker, but not poor ole’ Tracy. It’s been a rough couple of years for McGrady, being forced to play overseas in China, seeing his team miss the playoffs in the Chinese Basketball League, having to pretend he enjoys coming in the game only when the Spurs are up by 40 (Just in case!!! Can never be too careful!). But this time the Spurs have gone too far!
Sure, Coach Popovich said he might be able to find him some minutes. By this he meant he wouldn’t find him minutes. But the team couldn’t even allow Tmac the dignity of having a name tag, a one time NBA superstar and hall of famer, reduced to sitting on the sidelines hoping to get Darko style minutes. Without even a tag to his name! Ginobili is over there clipping his nails while Coach Pop talks, and he got a name tag.
The question is will an opportunity arise for Tracy to finally play in an NBA Finals? To feud with his contemporaries one last time? To show LeBron and Wade, his offensive repertoire? To show them what’s it like to play basketball with men not boys like when he entered the league. Or is a name tagless lockerroom, and front row seats all that lie ahead for our once proud and humble hero? Will he retire if the Spurs win a ring in his honor? Better question with a lack of a name tag, will the Spurs withhold a ring from TMAC. Will Coach Pop and crew suddenly forget to send him an invite to the ceremony. “Oh I uh_forgot. It slipped my mind. I might be able to find you someone else’s ring though”. Aging truly is a cruel, cruel mistress. But not matter what age, give the man his name tag.
1. Carmelo Anthony-NYK310 2. LeBron James-MIA 298 3. Tony Parker-SAS 281 4. Paul George-IND 277 5. David West-IND 249 6. Kevin Durant-OKC 246 7. Tim Duncan-SAS 238 8. Roy Hibbert-IND 235 9. Stephen Curry-GSW 235 10. Mike Conley-MEM 216
Carmelo Anthony, still beating Lebron James in FGA Attempts!
It’s almost time for Game 2 of the NBA Finals, but that won’t stop Carmelo Anthony from being the Postseason shotjacking champ! Our reigning hero decided he was gonna be the field goal attempts leader, and now a round or two after the New York Knicks were eliminated, he remains the king!
Here’s a man, who backs up his talk. He puts his head down and bullies his way into the three point line. He brought the Knicks back into that coveted 2nd round spot bitterly lost by the Atlanta Hawks. He’s taken the team on his shoulders, and shown that dreams do come true. Unless it deals with a man’s Honey Nut Cheerios, than back away from the bowl! One wonders with 310 field goal attempts this NBA playoffs, what kind of sophisticated offensive scheme did Knicks Coach Mike Woodson run? It looks almost European in design with all the cutting, passing and lack of ISO play.
Even more amazing than this Carmelo Anthony playoff stat, is that chucking contemporary and teammate J.R Smith did not make this list! Looks like there’s alot of work to be done this offseason, if J.R can’t even beat out a center like Hibbert in shot attempts. On the Knicks, a center would never even see the ball in the first place! Especially if it involved pesky things like rebounding.
Where does Carmelo Anthony go from here? Will he up his shots to bring the Knicks to an ECF playoff birth next year, pass more, or simply let ole’ Mike Woodson get the axe? Decisions, decisions! Looks like a tough offseason is ahead of the New York Knicks!
Mike D’Antoni describes the Los Angles Lakers playoffs chances in this classic Jim Mora inspired parody.
Playoffs? Playoffs? D’Antoni’s just trying to win a game!
So many questions remain, will Pau be traded? Will Pau come off the bench? Will Nash come back? Were Lakers actually better off with Derek Fisher? Will defense be played? Will David Stern ban Hack-A-Howard? Will Phil Jackson get twenty million to come back?
Was Slava Medevenko actually the whole key to Lakers playoff basketball? Will the Los Angeles Lakers ever get another win that doesn’t involve playing NBA2K13?
All these questions and much more will be answered on the next edition of Los Angles Lakers basketball! Remember pass it to Kobe and if you do accidentally travel, just make sure it’s not to the other side of the court. Phew, that was a close one!
This will be the first season in which the Lakers playoffs chances remain at the same odds as the Golden State Warriors and the Charlotte Bobcats. Simply, Dwight Howard has proven to be a force to be reckoned with, a free throw machine. Would say a poor man’s Tyson Chandler, but then Tyson can actually make a free throw.
You might have heard that Steve Nash a career 90+ free throw shooter offered to help Dwight with his free throws, which was promptly rejected by Howard. After all, Dwight doesn’t need all these external voices telling him how to do things. He knows exactly what he’s doing! That’s why he opted in his contract and now on the team he wanted to be on all along: the Brooklyn Nets.
Kobe Bryant thinks he’s about to talk things over with Los Angeles Lakers Coach Mike Brown. But Mike’s not home.. Or is he? Find out in this parody of the classic Seinfeld scene.
Kobe Bryant & Mike Brown, the Best of Friends:
Things are heating up in Laker land, and it’s not because Lebron’s coming into town. Losses bring tension. Mike Brown brings losses. Therefore, Mike Brown brings tension. Kobe Bryant, recently held a look of devotion to the head coach of the Lakers. A true look of joy! Let’s take a look at the moment captured in-game:
As you can see, Bryant is merely trying to let ole’ Mike Brown know he respects and loves the way he’s running this Lakers team! He hopes he stays for many days ahead! Sure, the Lakers are down 7 points in this screenshot, but what you don’t know, is that is actually the exact position they want to be.
Coach Brown doesn’t what the league to know what the Lakers are capable of, better to take oh say 40 losses in a row early on. That way the league won’t know what hit them! Bryant’s enthusiasm was shining through in the moment above. Mike Brown can rest easy tonight knowing his job security remains safe and sound.
Besides who can run things better than Coach Mike Brown? There’s a few coaching candidates out there, but no one as substantial with the finals loss experience Brown already has! Brown is a players coach, he’s humble, whatever that means these days, and he’s got a nifty set of glasses.
It’s all you need, besides Brown is just dealing with the hand he was dealt, the Lakers need to rumble out a trade or two to get more talent. But for now Mike Brown won’t be taking any phone calls without screening them first on his answering machine, just in case ole’ Jerry Buss comes a callin’.
Mike D’Antoni will bring everything he knows to the Los Angeles Lakers. A tried and true system of three point shots and non-related failure. Dantoni’s defensive system should be a smooth transition for the Lakeshow considering Pau Gasol hasn’t traveled to the other side of the court since 2010.
On offense, D’Antoni will have a player he’s familiar with, ole’ Steve Nash running things sans Phoenix medical staff. So expect Blake to be handling point duties for the rest of the season. Which is just fine, considering a point guards’ normal duties on the Lakers are to stand off to the side, pass the ball to Kobe, and occasionally chuck a three.
Gary Payton was an elite point guard once, but he simply couldn’t understand the triangle. The triangle being any play that doesn’t involve passing it to Kobe. A rotten egg that Payton!
2) Jerry Sloan
Jerry Sloan preaches tough love, defense, and hard work. In other words, the exact opposite of what this team stands for! Defense is just icky. Having to ‘body up’ some sweaty behemoth of a player is freaking gross. Plus he might force Pau to actually post up and stop taking shots from 40,000 feet away. Best to keep things the way they were.
Forget Sloan, that kind of ‘work ethic’ style thinking is dangerous. It’s old news. Sloan’s probably at his house right now, sitting in his old Utah Jazz pajamas and watching reruns of the 1998 NBA Finals. Picture him shutting off the TV right before Jordan crosses Russell every time. Is that what you want? What if all that hard work doesn’t come through?
Mike Brown promotes a much more relaxing atmosphere. Stick to what works.
3) Phil Jackson
The perfect choice. A man that knows how to handle egos, superstars, has a system the Lakers are acquainted with and aren’t about to surrender at this point of their careers. Phil Jackson has 11 rings as a Head Coach.
The Zen Master is the greatest coach of all time, he didn’t get his rings in no ‘weak era’. Jackson, could take this team to spectacular heights. It has all the right ingredients: superstars. They just need some seasoning, veteran leadership, and defense.
Phil is also dating the bosses daughter and wants ten million dollars a season… Phil will not be hired.
4) Shaquille O’neal
Shaquille O’Neal is a big fan of Dwight Howard. He certainly doesn’t think that Andrew Bynum is better than him, no, no, no. Where did you hear such malarkey? He loves the idea that Dwight uses the Superman moniker and followed in his footsteps to come from the Magic to the Lakers. If you’ve listened to Shaq on Inside the NBA, you’re already well aware his wit easily rivals that of Shakespeare or Ben Jonson. He can bring this Lakers team together!
Shaq by the way, didn’t scream at Jerry Buss to pay him in public. He was gently asking for a raise and overheard. That settles it, hire him Mitch!
5) Coachbe
Triangle, Mike Brown, offensive systems, defensive systems. All slang for the real plan: Pass it To Kobe. And scream at Pau every once in a while. Even when he’s doing well, actually especially when’s doing well.
Don’t want him getting fancy notions about who’s master and commander. Kobe “Coachbe” Bryant has what it takes and only a single game plan. ISO. Beautiful in its simplicity like an Apple product.
Kobe doesn’t dance around the question of what to do, whether it means chucking from beyond the arc or chucking while double teamed or even triple teamed. He’ll even throw in yelling at Pau for free. Stop the charade, appoint Coachbe officially Mitch!
Till next time, I’m Nir Regev! BSPN’s head writer, standup comedian, and actor! See more of my comedy at Broscience, Youtube, and my old gigs at Rant Sports, and Heckler Spray!
The First NY/KS Album recorded without former singer Jeremy Lin and dedicated to him. Dive right into classic Hits like “Shoot to Thrill” featuring new singer Carmelo Anthony with guest vocals from JR Smith. This hard hitting album officially brought the group back to it’s darker origins and got rid of any pesky foreign influence! Rumor has it the song “What Would You Do For Pocket Money, Honey” was co-written by James Dolan himself!
Looks like another season of “Hell’s Bells” for the group as they’ll only be touring at the 33-49 Festival. So go “Have a “Drink on Me”, because “Field Goal Percentage Isn’t Just Noise Pollution”!
*Felton’s Back in Black (Single Lyrics):
Back in Black. Knicks on My Sack. It’s been too long, eating another snack.
Yes I’m a let loose, go on the court lay another deuce.
They’ve kept me hanging about, I keep lookin’ at the sky
Because they got rid of that Asian Guy
Forget the herse, cause I’ll never die
I got nine lives
French Fries
Eating every one of them and walking wild
‘Cause I’m Baaaack
Yes, I’m Blaaaack
Well, I’m Baaaack
Yes, I’m Blaaaack
Wellllllll, Knicks are Baaacck in Blaaacckkkk
2) Evil Empire
The LP that started a phenomenon! After years of conflict, hall of fame bound rocker Steve Nash would join up with his arch rival in LA to put together a band of Misfits even Twisted Sister is scared of! Evil Empire has all the components of a true supergroup: real, gritty, and without soul. Sure, Nash was almost swayed to join his country men up North and start a flopping revolution the old fashioned way, but he wanted his message sent clear. Through the art of giving Kobe the ball. Every time down. Forever.
*Kobe’s Help on Parade (Single Lyrics): Come with it Now Come with it Pau
The Mamba Implodes, Coming at a Crossroads
Ya either drop the shots like de la Ghetto or blame Pau for not putting on his stilettos
With Nash we got a sure shot, he’s sure to make his body flop
Drop and don’t copy yo, just don’t call this the Kobe Show
Rally Around Mike Brown
With a pocket full of plays
Kobe’s Helpppp on Paradeeeee
Kobe’s Helpppp on Paradeeeee
3) No Strings Attached
Admittedly, this remastered edition is built by a bunch of 1 year fillers and Dirk Timberitzki, but there’s no telling how many gigs ESPN will air! 1, maybe 2? This is a band that hit its prime with one star and the elderly. Now it will have to regroup with the hope that maybe, just maybe, another star will want to come to the house that frosted hair and broken dreams built.
*Bye Bye Bye Deron (Single Lyrics):
Don’t Wanna Be A Fool For Dirk
For me it ain’t nothing but Work
I’m not signing, baby it ain’t no lie
Baby Bye Bye Bye Bye
Don’t really wanna make it tough
Eastern conference is good enough
It might sound lazy, but it ain’t no lie
Baby Bye Bye Bye Bye
4) Ready to Lose
This rap album comes out swinging with the message that the Notorious 23 is ready for everything and anything! But mostly the lottery. Feel the heat as the Notorious 23 tells a riveting tale of gambling, deceit, and Adam Morrison. Hey, sometimes you win and sometimes you draft Kwame Brown. It is what it is.
*Big Scrub (Single Lyrics):
To all the lottery picks in the place with style and grace
Throw your hands in disgust, if you’re a true bust
I love it when they call me big scrub
How ya Livin MJ?
In Mansion with Benz, givin’ spots to my friends and it feels stupendous
5) Nevermind
An unexpected classic, singer Dwight led this band into the heights of the Orlando grunge scene with unexpected dirty (some might say sloppy) contributions from Hedo Turkoselvic. Now that he’s starting to be known, he wants to be apart of another label but doesn’t know which one he really wants. Or if he wants one at all. In fact, he’d like to forget the whole thing and stay in his current label. So he’s opting in. But wait, maybe yes he will sign with another label? But not extend. Or extend but not sign? Does that work? I don’t even know anymore. Or do I?
*Dwight Howard Breed(Single Lyrics):
I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care
I don’t care if it’s old
I don’t mind, I don’t mind, I don’t mind
Mind, don’t have a mind
Even if you want, even if you need
I don’t mean to sign, we don’t have to trade
We could plant a rumor, we could build a deal
I don’t even care, we could have none of the three
As the curtains draw on Bryan Colangelo’s tenure with the Toronto Raptors, fans and media alike are quick to denounce the Chicago native.
Celebration has erupted across Raptor Nation as they neuter a man they once viewed as their savior. In just another case, of ‘what have you done for me lately?’ in today’s growing insatiable hunger for instant results, Colangelo has become the Patsy for this Raptor organization. Taking the brunt, if not all the blame, for the team’s never-ending list of failures dating back to before Colangelo was ever a part of this merry band of conmen, P.R shapeshifters, and season ticket propaganda ‘marketing’ experts.
The media has taken like vultures eagerly pecking at Colangelo’s corpse, like a Canadian child who just opened his very first Kraft dinner. He’s portrayed as a chump, who didn’t have the faintest idea of what he was doing except signing any European with passable Visa credentials. A stubborn captain who put the whole responsibility of a franchise on the deck of an incompetent and leaky S.S Bargnani. A seemingly unmotivated young 7′ footer from Italy. They snicker about his former assistant Masai Ujiri (who Colangelo clashed with on a number of occasions) taking the so-called ‘mighty’ Raptor crown as his own.
But was it truly all Colangelo’s fault? Is he truly to blame for the Raptors lack of success for over a decade, and the epitome of a treadmill team? Or was the environment itself, Canada per say and its lack of adoration by the NBA’s best, the cause of a lackluster foundation?
Murphy’s Colangelo’s Law
Bryan Colangelo. From Executive of the Year, to the bottom of the NBA’s trash heap in terms of perception. What happened? How did everything go quite so wrong? Murphy’s Law, became a real-life spectacle in the city of Toronto. We all witnessed a man go from the best man for the job, a league prize, to no-direction Colangelo. But what direction can you have, when all your best crew abandoned ship? And no new sailors want to cross the ocean to help you rebuild?
Thanks for reading the introduction to this multi-part series detailing Bryan Colangelo’s journey from top guy to ‘he’s the GM why’? In Part 2, we’ll be looking at the The Early Years, Winning Executive of the Year, and Bryan’s attempt at building a Culture of Success.
Love Him or Hate Him: Bryan Colangelo Believed in Something
No matter what you roll you never move or advance. It’s Atlanta Hawks Monopoly! Hold on to the same properties, don’t trade with other players, draw a card out of the treasure chest to decide current owner and GM. It’s like holding ownership of Baltic Avenue forever!
*Pieces never subject to change. 2005-2012 Editions identical*
2) Minnesota Othello
Find out if you can flip all the black pieces into white ones! In Minnesota Othello, it’s your job to make sure you get rid of those pesky black pieces by any means possible. So change that frown upside down, or better yet turn it into Rubio.
*Playoffs or Wins unnecessary to achieve victory!*
3) Heat Twister
Right foot red, pivot foot green? Or was it pivot foot red, left foot green? Why it doesn’t matter! In Heat Twister, no matter what foot you use, you never lose! Switch pivot feet at will, look at ref, obtain championship. It’s Heat Twister, the game that’s pleased South Beach for generations!
*Streamlined rules for traveling. May take 40 steps. But not 41.. Okay 41*
4) Sorry! For Basketball Reasons
Bump, slide and switch trades in this classic David Stern approved game of sweet revenge! Best of all, you make the rules! Move your pawns, suspiciously give first pick, sell the team, accuse ESPN announcer of beating his wife when questioned about it. The fun is all here! It’s Sorry! For Basketball Reasons.
*Instruction Booklet under permanent revision*
5) Clippers Guess Who? Flopped
Was it Uncle Paul? Or Cousin Blake? Perhaps it was Coach Del Negro on the bench? It’s Clippers Guess Who? Flopped! The ultimate game of mystery.
*Correct Answer: All of the above at same time*
6) Bobcats Clue
Not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven.. Eight. Eight wins. It’s the suspense thriller known as Bobcats Clue! Which player is responsible for having a -300 on court rating and leading the team into a dark treacherous abyss? It is up to YOU, to find them. So they can be made Team Captain of course!
*All proceeds go to Nike Air Jordan Shoe Super Fun-Time Camp- “Factories”*
7) Mike Brown Pictionary
Get your pencils ready! Scribble down complex looking offensive schemes that pretty much consist of walk down court, pass to Kobe. Or!! Pass to Gasol, who then passes it to Bynum, who passes it to Kobe. It’s Mike Brown Pictionary!
*Actual Offensive Scheme not included*
8) Blazers Operation
Grab the patented Blazer tweezers and keep your hand steady. Wait, what’s that what do you hear? The sound of success of course! A childhood favorite, it’s your job to keep injured players out, collect the insurance money, then waive said player. It’s Blazers Operation, where players enter the operating table and stay there!
*Couch token and broken dreams included*
9) Billy King’s Risk
Will you get rid of precious lottery picks or just trade for Gerald Wallace? It’s Billy King’s Risk, where anything goes! Except wins, playoffs or future revenue that is. Join Mr. King on his ride to greatness as he fills the ranks with former reality stars and Avery Johnson.
*Russian sugar daddy and Jay-Z bailouts might apply*
10) Magic Jenga
Remove pieces in futile attempt to keep the organization from toppling over. It’s Magic Jenga! The only game where no matter what you do, it leaves your home on its own! Ah, the sweet, sweet taste of victory!
Culture of Success Bryan Colangelo, is a man that can spot talent.. As long as he’s the one drafting it that is. For all the criticism over his one folly of a number 1 draft pick, Colangelo has been highly successful in scouting absolutely fantastic players. Then trading them immediately afterwards. Clearly, he is a man that believes in delayed satisfaction much to the detriment of his fanbase.
He drafted Steve Nash than traded him, Luol Deng, David Lee, Marcin Gortat.. This list goes on and on. Like an insecure frosh girl at an Ivy League school, Colangelo appears never proud of his intellectual prowess when it comes to drafting talent, after talent. Giving them away. For some reason (that reason being financial on the Suns), he is the go to guy for other teams to obtain great players easily. Santa Colangelo always delivers, just make sure you have the future second picks and cash considerations. For other teams, almost every Colangelo trade ends up being Christmas in July.
The difference between his time building his label as a top GM on the Phoenix Suns and the Toronto Raptors, is well, Canada. On the Raptors there were no second chances to fix his previous mistakes. Unfortunately, most of the league’s players don’t consider Toronto a top destination to reside in. As a result, Colangelo was forced to build his brand of success a different way across the border. Using European players who enjoyed the rewards of the cosmopolitan city and didn’t have any familiar attachments back in the states.
The Early Years In the beginning, Bryan Colangelo was hailed as the savior of a franchise devastated in the wake of superstar Vince Carter’s departure. Colangelo, was in a do no-wrong position with his glamorous Phoenix Suns tenure and the absolute dismal performance of former Raptor GM Rob Babcock. Raptor fans clamored for anything that resembled successful team building. In Colangelo, Raptor faithfuls believed they had discovered their long sought-after answer. Their prayers had been answered! In fact, many felt the league itself had assigned Colangelo to the franchise to change the plight of the Canadian NBA chapter.
One of Colangelo’s first big moves, as part of the franchise, was trading the very first highly criticized move of his predecessor. The 8th pick of the 2004 NBA draft, Rafel Araújo. There were rumors Araújo had experimented with steroids, based on testing positive for the steroid nandroline. Araújo, received a lot of flack simply for being picked in front of Andre Iguodala. The rumors of steroid use had damaged Araújo image, and Colangelo did not thank twice before hitting the almighty trade switch. He obtained Kris Humphries and Robert Whaley from the Utah Jazz, a solid return.
Colangelo, then proceeded to eliminate the heinous taste of the Vince Carter trade by ridding the team of Eric Williams. Williams, had originally been obtained from the New Jersey Nets in Rob Babcock’s notorious trade of Vince Carter. For Matt Bonner, Eric Williams, and a 2nd round draft pick, Bryan Colangelo would bring abroad the first European of his Rapture tenure Rasho Nesterovic.. The first of hundreds to come.
Stay tuned for Part 3, where we’ll look at how one innocent ‘Executive of the Year’ award would foreshadow the next several years of the Toronto Raptors!
