We here at the Knicks appreciate you coming down in support of your favorite team! That being whatever team the Knicks are playing that night. You may have seen Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant score 61 points in our house this week… That’s making history, and that’s the Knicks superstar guarantee!
Some people (mean people) have criticized our team for poor defense in the past, but they’re just not using the proper terms. We like to think of it as “offensive enhancement” We’re simply good sportsmen, and here at the Knicks we believe everyone deserves to win… As long as they’re not playing for us. I’d also like to clear the air on some rumors. Rumor has it we won’t miss the lottery this year. I’m proud to say those rumors are false! Of course there’s always a chance the rest of the league goes on strike or gets injured leaving a wide-open chance for the Knicks! But we don’t like to discuss risks here at the Knicks. Unless you can bring them to us with 70 million dollar contracts over 6 years.
Besides we value your free time! We know you have your favorite shows, and there’s some things in life that take priority over us. Like other teams. What’s that you’ve already stopped paying attention to this pamphlet? You say there’s a Lakers pamphlet going around?! We totally understand. See you next year, same time, same record!
P.S….
Could you get us a copy of the Lakers pamphlet? Thanks.
This is how I picture a meeting with typical RealGMers in charge. Notice the lack of females at the table? That’s no accident. Pssh, the RealGMer doesn’t need that!!! There’s more important issues to be discussed. Like Kobe’s efficiency from halfcourt or what kind of dump KG took last week. Inevitably, upon several weeks here you’ll come to understand the truths RealGMers hold dear:
1)Age:
The age of the NBA player is supremely important!! Any player who’s played more than a year in the league should be traded for draft picks. You don’t need those pesky veterans on your team! They might bring in wins, and ruin chances at the lottery. RealGMers love when their team most resembles high school varsity. They also despise the age limit. The correct number is right out of the vagina! RealGMers would then predictably trade the baby a month later. Probably for the draft rights to an infant yet to be born and cash.
2) Underrated
Role players are underrated. Superstars are overrated. Don’t forget this cardinal rule, even when your team misses the playoffs. RealGMers love finding a diamond in the rough… Because then they can trade him for higher draft picks later. The key to knowing when a player is no longer underrated is when he’s about to get a larger contract. Then that greedy bastard better get out! RealGMers secretly aspire to be Donald Sterling.
At 45 years old, Randy Couture had it all. Money, fame, a distinctly shiny head. There was even talk Randy was about to land a major prime time gig on television!
Alas it was not the right time and the chance to star in a breakthrough role as Mr. Clean was lost… Pretty much when the company remembered they could just hire some ‘animators’ overseas for half a rupee a year . No matter, Randy was on top of the world! He knew negotiations would resume if he just had one more fight, the fight to end all fights.
Unfortunately, this was the picture Randy would receive from the UFC upon requesting a challenger. This ‘Brock’ looked like nothing more than mere accountant fodder. And so it wouldn’t be long before Randy used his intuition to decide this was the man he wanted to face after having spent the last year at home watching Murphy Brown reruns.
Randy knew what he was doing, he was ‘the natural’, this ‘Brock’ was a nobody. Randy would train by new age radical methods. Mainly purchasing Smackdown for Playstation and beating Brock in it. A ‘simulation’ if you will. Oh it was on, and no accountant pro wrestler would stand in the way of Randy’s rightful place as king of the octagon!
Upon arriving to the press conference Randy asked the reporters where this ‘Brock’ was because he needed someone to do his taxes.
Then Brock entered the room.
It was in this moment Randy made the decision. The decision to Keep it Real. Sure this Lesnar outweighed him by a good 50 pounds, but damn it he was a pro wrestler! This would be another David Vs Goliath style fight. Except the last time Randy had used a slingshot he was forty years younger. And slingshots weren’t allowed in the octagon.
This would definitely go well
Hmmm… Maybe not.
UFC fans would go into a state of shock and denial. ‘Captain America’, the reigning UFC champion, had just been taken down by a pro wrestler and a Rock Bottom was not even involved.
Just another example of what can happen when Keeping it Real Goes Wrong
“Now I know a lot of you media folk have been bashing me lately and my comments. But let me assure you that when I say we were the best 33-win team of all time, it’s fact”
“But Isiah what about leadership and taking some accountability for failing to make the playoffs?”
“Leadership? Leadership?! Son are you really questioning Zeke? I won 2 championships, and when I think of leadership only one person springs to mind.”
“What about improving the team?”
“We’ll be looking into trade options over the summer”
“YES, we’re finally gonna get Mobley like I asked! I knew you’d come through for me Isiah”
“Quiet down Francis! I forgot you were even still on this team. Anyway that’ll be it for today guys. Everything’s fine in Knicks land I assure you. Be confident in Zeke”
