The Rise and Fall of Bryan Colangelo: Part 3

March 7, 2012   ·   No Comments   ·   By

Bryan Colangelo and Hedo Turkoglu: Toronto Raptors

The Beginning of the End

Flashback 2006. NBA Draft. First Pick. The stakes couldn’t possibly be higher. It was make or break time. The key moment to separate the men from the boys. The Babcocks, from the Bufords.

Would Bryan Colangelo make the right choice for the Toronto Raptors? Would he bring joy and pride to the Canadian nation? Or would he fluster and flake at the last moment and make the ever so classic ‘bold’ pick? A move today’s GM can’t help themselves but do. An unshakeable desire to prove they knew better than the rest of the NBA populace, from Darko to Thabbet. Full of celebrated ego, confusion, and a future on lottery island.

Executive of the Year

Never to be outdone by other victory cigar wielding contemporaries, Bryan Colangelo would draft the NBA’s first ever European number one draft pick: Andrei Bargnani. Forever entrenching himself between Michael Jordan and Joe Dumars on the great Mount Failmore of NBA draft success!

Colangelo’s next move: trading rookie of the year runner-up Charlie Villanueva for T.J Ford . Good ole’ Colangelo felt Villanueva, was hindering their almighty franchise Raptor Chris Bosh from leaping to his maximum potential. Bosh would of course, later repay Colangelo by leaving the Raptors with absolutely nothing to join the Heat. Scorched Earth. Not even a Kraft dinner as a thank you gift! This move would claim severe repercussions for both Colangelo and a Canadian fanbase, now reeling in agony without their team’s logo.


The year is 2007, and Eurofever has struck Colangelo drunk with lust for anything even mildly resembling Europeans. There is a heist in the Euroleague and Colangelo is the leading suspect and culprit. He literally robs the league blind overnight and gets former Euro MVP Anthony Parker, and Spanish sensation Jorge Garbajosa. Colangelo, then obtains the remaining leftover players (Fred Jones) who are actually willing to play for Canada, (or at least didn’t know where Toronto was located till the last second) and the Raptors are good to go!

Sam Mitchell, the Raptors head coach, leads the team to a .500 record for the first time since the Vince Carter days and wins the NBA’s Coach of the Year award! Only to be fired about a year or so later. Bryan Colangelo, wins the NBA’s Executive of the Year award for actually getting a farm team into the NBA playoffs!

The Result
So what happens? The New Jersey Nets handily eliminate the Toronto Raptors in 6 games in the 1st round of the playoffs. Colangelo becomes seduced by his Euro addiction, his mild success an enabler. The treadmill era officially begins!

Stay Tuned for Part 4, where we’ll look at how one playoff birth lead to several lottery ones!


Bryan Colangelo: Loving Three Point Chuckers Like The Rest of Us. A Common Man.

Written by Nir Regev

Previous Parts:
The Rise and Fall of Bryan Colangelo: Part 1
The Rise and Fall of Bryan Colangelo: Part 2

Philadelphia 76ers 2009!!

December 31, 2009   ·   1 Comment   ·   By

“Congratulations guys! That makes two wins in a row tonight! Things are going good……. ”


“Maybe too good!! We need to change things up! Elton you’re gonna come off the bench for Lou and Lou you’re replacing Sammy in the starting lineup!”

NBA Captions: Rasheed and Pierce

December 25, 2009   ·   No Comments   ·   By

“Then Doc was like why u gotta shoot so many threes son, and told me to go to the post. So I shot 19 threes in a row”

“Damn n*gga you cold as ice, like my knees”

Dantoni and Nate Robinson

December 25, 2009   ·   No Comments   ·   By

“Come on coach, let me in!!”

“Robinson if we weren’t on live television right now, I’d drop your ass”

“Coachhhh, I be better than Duhon come on now”

“The only thing you’re better at is not meeting the 5 foot barrier, now sit down”

“Crap, Duhon just sprained his ankle. Alright fine here’s your chance, don’t mess up”

“I promise coach!!!”

*2 seconds later*

“Nate what the hell are you doing that’s the wrong basket”


NBA Captions: Rondo Reads

December 18, 2009   ·   No Comments   ·   By

“Hey, you tryin to upstage me?! Only reason you read faster is cause u always holdin the motherf*ckin’ book. Now stop crying before Rondo comes over there and slaps the taste out of your punkass mouth”

NBA Captions: Knicks Conference

December 18, 2009   ·   No Comments   ·   By

“Look it’s not about the playoffs or wins! Or even draft picks! We’re trying to build something special here. When I saw Nate shooting at our basket, I thought, wow what an innovater, how come Steve never thought about doing that? Is Donnie still here? Oh I see he is. I love Nate Robinson”

NBA Captions: Don’t Look At Lebron

December 18, 2009   ·   No Comments   ·   By

“Coach I don’t understand, this is a scribble”

“Oh Uh… I was bored during halftime, just do the usual. Give it to Lebron. Williams! Damn it, don’t look right at him keep your head down!”

“Yes Coach”

“Wally looked at him once. I haven’t seen him since..”

NBA Captions: Tell Your Mom to Trade For Garnett

December 17, 2009   ·   No Comments   ·   By

“I’m sorry son I never learned to read. Tell your mom to trade for Garnett”

Anthony Randolph Off The Bench

December 16, 2009   ·   No Comments   ·   By

Spurs Warriors Basketball

Don Nelson

Anthony Randolph

Don Nelson
“Who the fu*k let Randolph off the bench?!”

“You did Nellie”

NBA Captions: Monta Ellis Prepares

November 25, 2009   ·   No Comments   ·   By

*Ellis prepares for grueling season